That's intense
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
