Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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