someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
