Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
