I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I did not marry a roomba.
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