Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
