Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
