I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Oh god it's open bar.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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