I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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