well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
