He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
as a side note pls kill me
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
