It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
