The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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