I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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