My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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