got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
