I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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