GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize