Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
