wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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