Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
