I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
