I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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