Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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