it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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