I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
