How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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