i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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