I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize