I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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