walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
