When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
