That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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