mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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