my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
