This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
dude. I can hear the air.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize