Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
