I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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