I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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