Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
