The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
