I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
