So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
