when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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