there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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