I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
