why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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