i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
