i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
