Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
