I looked at my own cervix.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
