Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
