Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
