im drinking this country out of the recession.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
