Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize