I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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