Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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